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Enough is Enough

I have followed and read almost every story, comment, and response following the release of the video capturing the toxic culture of sexual assault, misogyny, and violence against women that plagues our society. I have written why we don’t share out stories in the midst of the this peak into the justification and defense of participating in this culture. I have written and wrestled with the truth that spiritual abuse lives and thrives in our communities of faith because we are afraid to talk about sexuality and sexual assault in our communities of faith.

I have cried and mourned that my reality as a girl who grew up in a fundamentalist community of faith may also be my daughters’ reality. I have hoped and prayed that the allegations and spread of this video would ignite a fervor, a revelation, a revival among those who are fighting for the equality of women only to be disappointed and disheartened by the defense and endorsement of the pastors, ministers, and fellow women of this behavior. And in my disappointment, I have fallen into the same mindset of fear and shame over who I am and moved to the shadows of silence and oppression because it is where I am comfortable and what is most familiar.

And then I listened to Michelle Obama voicing her hurt, her outrage, and her commitment to keep fighting. I listened and was reminded of the women who are standing strong and standing up, even though they are being criticizes, intimidated, and condemned by those whose power is threatened because their shadow lives and beliefs are being brought to the light. I listened and quieted the monsters of shame and vulnerability that told me to disengage from conversation because my voice didn’t matter and wouldn’t make a difference.

Michelle is right, enough is enough.

If you think the follow up to this video’s release that the system is rigged is not carefully, calculated political divergence, it’s time to open your eyes. The system is rigged, but not because it is exposing powerful men who use their power against women. The system is rigged because a conversation about sexual assault, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, and violence against women is way overdue and because women who venture to stand up and speak out are still met with skepticism, intimidation, and mansplaining. If you don’t think these responses aren’t carefully thought out to keep power in the hands of the powerful because there is a viable threat to that power being overturned, it’s time to open your eyes.

I know the pain and humiliation that comes from opening your eyes to the realization that you have been played, manipulated, and tricked. I know it causes you to doubt yourself, your instincts, and the very core of who are, but it’s time to get over ourselves, our own insecurities, our own self-doubt in order to create something more for our children.

Our oldest just turned nine.

I remember turning nine.

There is no way I want her to remember this.

Let’s keep fighting.

Why We Don’t Share Our Stories

The release of the video on Friday that reveals the rape culture in America and the reason there are so many women who have stories of sexual assault, sexual violence, and rape was appalling to many. And in light of this video, there were many, many brave women who shared their stories. Stories of being raped, of being groped, and of being intimidated, threatened, and bullied by men. But there are many more women who haven’t shared their stories. Women who can’t share their stories because the abuse they experienced were in churches, were by deacons, were by ministers. These women who experienced not only sexual abuse, but spiritual abuse were forced to sign clauses and agreements that prevent them from sharing their stories in order to preserve a facade of holiness and righteousness that doesn’t exist. These women were shamed into this silence in order to preserve the institution of church and the hierarchy of power that excludes and oppresses them. These women were told that if their stories got out the church would split, contributions would drop, and it would be their fault.

What the evangelical response to this video has revealed is that they have contributed to this rape culture, this spiritual abuse and in standing by someone who has participated in this culture and has risen to the power and influence of being a presidential candidate, they hope that their secrets and positions are protected and preserved.

If these stories can’t be shared because of threats and bullying, then it up to us as the people of God to create space for healing and hope for those who have not only experienced sexual abuse, but had spiritual abuse heaped on top of those experiences. We have to be willing to ask tough questions of our leaders and practices. We have to be willing to say no to religious leaders who have histories and pasts of sexual assault, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment. We have to be willing to be brave for those who can’t share their stories.

Thanks be to God for those who are already standing up for the oppressed, the silenced, and the abused.

How Flood Relief Changed My Call to Ministry

It’s been a year since Columbia was devastated with a historic flood. It isn’t that we weren’t warned that the rain was coming, it’s that no one who lived in famously hot Columbia could imagine what that amount of rainfall could do to homes, businesses, and lives.

Just last week I took Waylon to our vet whose offices were completely flooded. I asked our vet if they were excited to be moving back into their old offices and she told me that after months of renovation, they had to give up their old offices. They were deemed uninhabitable even with the repair work that had been done. I’ve talked to families who have spent the last year recovering and restoring home who have now decided they want to try to sell the house, but don’t know what to expect since they know it will be listed as a flood prone house.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my involvement as a pastor in the midst of disaster relief has changed the way I view ministry and changed my call to ministry. The outpouring of support and help from congregations all over the state and indeed the southeast was soul filling and overwhelming. I won’t forget the number of clergy colleagues who contacted me to ask how they could help and the number of friends and family who offered support. It’s the closest I have seen to the kingdom of God being here on earth.

But there was something else that happened. As I did some of the drop offs and deliveries to the nonprofits who requested help, I heard time and time again, “I wish it were always like this,” “Too bad this won’t last,” “If only we had had this two months ago.”

These response opened my ears and my eyes to the ongoing need those who are helping the homeless, those in the midst of crisis, and those who are ostracized every day. Hearing their stories, changed my story. I wanted to partner with those nonprofits and ministries who were doing the hard work of developing and maintaining relationships. I wanted to offer not one time help, but ongoing help to my neighbors in need. ministrieslab is helping us do just that.

Two of our partners, The Cooperative Ministry and Resurrections have requested the following items for distribution to those who are in need this winter.

  • women, men, and children’s gently used coats
  • women, men, and children’s gently used shoes
  • Blankets
  • Winter coats
  • Winter clothes of all types (shirts/pants) Regarding clothing: 96 % of the need on our site is for men’s sizes L-4XL with emphasis on XL and XXL
  • Tennis shoes men

If you would like to help partner with great people who are helping those who are in need day in and day out with these items, please let me know!

After the Rain

Last night, I stood on our back porch smelling the post-rain air. The air was particularly sweet because it had been threatening to rain for two days. The herb garden Sam got started for me for my birthday in April had been baking on the steps of our front porch ready to soak up the rain that took two days to come. As I checked on them today, I realized the rain yesterday hadn’t been enough. They already needed to be watered again.

While I left CBF General Assembly renewed by the community and solidarity of those of us who are united in support of the entire LGTBQ community, it was like the rain my herbs got in last night. It offered a brief refreshment, but then the summer heat of reality came back as articles from people who believe that the hiring policy of CBF doesn’t need to be addressed began to appear. I want to believe in the Illumination Project announced by CBF conveniently on the Wednesday morning of the CBF General Assembly. I want to believe that this process will be a way to “provide more light and less heat,” to the LGTBQ question.

But those of us who have who have been baking in the heat of search committees and churches, who have lost out on opportunities to serve in churches because of our gender, our sexuality, because of who we are, are praying desperately for the refreshing rain of a community of faith who will let us grow into the ministers we are called to be. We were hoping we wouldn’t be told to wait, to continue baking in the heat while others search for light.

It’s a step in the right direction, but CBF has to continue to water and tend to ministers of the LGTBQ, ministers who are women, and ministers who are actively and purposely supporting ministers from these communities.

One scattered shower of hope isn’t enough.

You Wouldn’t Want to Work in That Church, Would You?

As I have shared some of my pastor search experiences as a female pastor, I have often gotten the response from colleagues, “But you wouldn’t want to work in that church, would you?”

“That” church is meant to describe churches that “aren’t ready” for a female senior pastor. At first when I was asked this question, I wholeheartedly agreed, “Yeah, you know it’s not really worth it if a church is not ready,” but recently I’ve changed my response.

The thing is I am not applying to Southern Baptist Churches who publicly announce that they don’t allow or call women as senior pastors and disassociate with churches who call women as pastors or associate pastors because they don’t believe women are called to that type of leadership. I am applying to churches who are affiliated with the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship, a fellowship that claims as one of its founding principles support of women in ministry. These are the congregations who are supposed to have a place and a voice for women in ministry.

“You wouldn’t want to work in that church, would you?” Well, actually yes. I do want to work in a Cooperative Baptist Fellowship Church. I want to work in a place that supports and affirms women in ministry and churches who affiliate with the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship churches are supposed to be those places for women in ministry.

But they aren’t.

And even as this is openly acknowledged, the sentiment as I share my story is still the same, “You wouldn’t want to work in that church, would you?” And this sentiment comes from male colleagues. Male colleagues who don’t have to worry and wonder about whether they are being rejected from pastor positions because of their experiences or because of their gender. Now that I think about it, this response to the systematic discrimination that exists in our churches sounds a whole lot like mansplaining.

Yes, actually I would like equal opportunity to apply and work in my profession as you do as my male colleague. Yes, I would like to lead and guide a congregation to stop participating in spiritual abuse that oppresses and silences women solely because of their gender. Yes, I would like to work in “that” church because pastoring “that” church is what I have been called to do.

 

Spiritual Abuse Keeps Women Out of Senior Pastorates

Recently, I received yet another rejection from a pastor search committee. While I have become accustomed to these responses or no responses from submitting my resume to pastor search committees claiming to be supportive of women in ministry in my three years of ministry, there was something different about this one.

In the short response, there was a line, “Your qualifications do not meet our needs at this time.” I understand I am just beginning in ministry and that my experiences don’t match some churches’ needs, but this pastor search committee didn’t cite my experiences (or lack of experiences); they cited my qualifications. Not having the right qualifications is code language (just as “not being equipped”) for not being a man.

You may think me a conspiracy theorist or a raging feminist, but having been a part of the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship that states it was founded on the support of women in ministry and still only has 5% of women who are in senior pastor positions, there is some insider language that couches and covers up for congregations not willing to accept or consider women in the senior pastor role. If the stories of women who are called to ministry, but can’t find a church to serve isn’t proof enough of spiritual abuse, surely the news at Baylor, brings to light an important conversation we need to have as baptists. Ignoring and denying sexual abuse allegations is different because Baylor is a private, Christian university established “Baptist pioneers.” This is not just sexual abuse. This is spiritual abuse.

“But baptists have congregational polity. We can’t control whether congregations call or consider women for the senior pastor role.” You’re right, let’s leave it to Sports Illustrated, USA Today, and other major news outlets to hold accountable this private, baptist Christian organization that houses one of our “moderate” baptist seminaries and expose not only sexual abuse, but spiritual abuse.

Let’s continue to create and support churches that contribute to a conversation and a rhetoric that limits and stereotypes women by not calling women to senior pastor positions. Let’s continue to contribute to an atmosphere that fosters and enables spiritual abuse by not inviting women to preach in our pulpits. Let’s continue to call, excuse, and defend men who have been charged with sexual abuse, sexual violence, and assault to our churches, divinity schools, and Christian universities.

After all, it’s just the kingdom of God and the future of the church that’s at stake.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

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Spiritual abuse is the misuse of power by religious leaders or authorities to manipulate and coerce unquestioned adherence to a particular dogma for that spiritual leader’s own gain. This unquestioned adherence is often obtained through a pattern of conditioning. This conditioning can take the form of repeated dogmatic statements, repeated rituals, but is always used to the end of universal conformity.

The danger of spiritual abuse is that it leaves no room for questions about the religion or interpretation of the sacred text. Instead, the believer is left to depend on the religious leader or authority for interpretation of the sacred text. This denies the individual believer’s spiritual instincts and sense of self in particular when the believer does not fit the dogmatic picture of a believer.

Spiritual abuse can very easily lead to verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse because religious leaders or authorities can make abusive practices a part of the dogma or the believer’s path to understanding the divine. Spiritual abuse is not always linked to these other types of abuses, but always involves oppression and forced compliance. These are initiated through manipulation and guilt. Religious leaders and authorities fall prey to spiritual abuse when they try to control the believer’s faith journey and seek to maintain power and control over religious experiences.

In a sense, spiritual abuse is very much like the training of the storm troopers in the Star Wars The Force Awakens. They are trained to perform tasks without questioning or challenging orders. These orders may include mass murder or destruction of planets and all life forms on those planets. The only way to combat spiritual abuse is to question and challenge the dogma and patterns of conditioning used in order to create universal conformity, much like Finn in The Force Awakens who chooses not to kill the villagers.

I write this explanation because I know you are out there. You who has experienced spiritual abuse and still believe. You who sees something more and deeper in the sacred text. You who sees the desperate need that exists in this world.

I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.

There’s No Woman Good Enough for This Pulpit

Recently I was interview by a student who was working on a project about baptist women in ministry, in particular women who service as senior pastors. She asked me, “What was one thing you would tell a woman who is called to preach or be a senior pastor and is finishing school or looking for a job?”

I replied, “I would tell them not to listen to the naysayers. There will be so many people who say there aren’t churches who will call a woman pastor, but there are women serving. I would also tell them to develop a thick skin because people say mean and hurtful things when you tell them you are a preacher and that you are looking for a senior pastor position.”

I try really hard to give churches and people the benefit of the doubt. Having grown up in a religious tradition for 25 years without seeing a woman preach or a woman in the pulpit, I understand that seeing be a pastor and perform pastoral responsibilities is sometimes new and unusual. I get that. Other times it is extremely evident that churches and people are using the fact that they have never had a woman senior minister as a way of supporting systemic discrimination.

There’s a difference between saying, “We haven’t found a woman candidate we believe would be a good fit for our pulpit,” and saying, “There’s no woman good enough for this pulpit.” The first has an open-minded approach, indicating the pastor search committee is seriously and honestly considering women candidates. The latter makes a sweeping generalization laced with sexism.

In the current economic context, it is difficult to find a senior pastor position. It is even harder if you are woman. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible, even in the midst of sexism and systemic discrimination.

Thanks be to God who welcomes and affirms and calls all different kinds of people.

 

Get Up

It was one of those nights, where we had already been up a lot. I think Ben must have been going through a growth spurt or maybe he just wanted to spend some quality time with his parents throughout the night. I heard his rustling in the midst of the fog of slumber, and I thought to myself I can’t get up. I can’t make my body move to get out of bed. It’s just not going to happen. I can’t get up. 

I fought hard trying to bring myself to full consciousness and finally put one foot on the floor, shuffling the ten to twelve steps to Ben’s room. As I looked down into the crib, he offered me a big, gummy grin, and I thought to myself Well, that was worth getting up for. 

There are a lot of reasons we find ourselves in this kind of moment telling ourselves I just can’t get up. Maybe like me, you find yourself in a time when you are just physically worn out. Maybe you find yourself in that position of not being able to get up because you are sick. Maybe it’s because you are so overwhelmed with grief or sadness or pain or hopelessness.

In Acts 9:36-43, Tabitha finds herself in that situation because she has died. The people who are grieving her loss and the loss of the great charity she offered people in need, sent word to Peter to ask him to come without delay.

I don’t know about you, but having been a minister for two and half years, I know this kind of call. It’s the kind of call, you know you can’t ignore, but you wish could wait until you finished your cup of coffee or until you had a chance to shower. It’s the kind of call that you wonder, “Does it really have to be without delay?”

We don’t know whether Peter was thinking these things, but we do know that he got up. When he got up, he found himself by the bedside of a woman who had passed away asking her to do the very thing he had just done: “Get up, Tabitha.”

And Tabitha got up.

We wonder why we don’t see the type of miracles we read about in Acts today. We wonder why God doesn’t work in the same miraculous ways God did in the book of Acts. Maybe it’s because we are, more often than not, more like the disciples in Mark who simply cannot see and cannot hear what Jesus is trying to tell us than we are like the disciples in Acts.

Do we believe God can still perform miracles or are we afraid to ask? Are we afraid of what people would say or think if we told them that we did believe in miracles? If God is still working miraculously in the world and we are not experiencing it, why?

Perhaps it’s because we don’t get up when we hear the call to go without delay. Perhaps it’s because we depend too much on our own ability rather than creative God working in and through us. Perhaps it’s because we are worried about what people will say or think about us. Whatever it is that’s stopping us from getting up is causing us to miss out on how God is transforming the world.

If we did get up, we, like Peter, would bear witness to miraculous things.

Surely, that’s worth getting up to experience.

What’s Next?

I’ve been asking the question, “What’s next?” throughout the Lenten season. I knew God was calling me to leave Emmanuel in capable hands and step into the darkness of the unknown. The unknown is not a comfortable place for me and my planning instincts. I’ve spent many sleepless nights wrestling with why I couldn’t see what was next.

I thought back to my ministry experience. Maybe there was something I was missing.

There was.

My first ministry position was in a church that didn’t have a senior pastor. I was the youth intern and the church was going through a series of transitions including hiring a new youth minister. I found myself in the midst of uncertainty, conflict, and tension as the church discerned what was the next step. I found myself counseling youth as they tried to understand what was happening at the church and in the youth group. I didn’t have any training for navigating this kind of conflict or pain, but I was there and I listened.

After a year with that church, I moved to Asheville and began pulpit supply. I received feedback that I had spoken to the very heart of what the church was struggling with and conflicted about.

My husband and I moved to Columbia and I continued pulpit supply. This time it was for a church who had been told it was time to call it quits. They were told, they didn’t really need to be a church. I was called to pastor that church because I saw that they believed earnestly that God had a call for them.

They were right. We spent the next two and half years discovering what that call was together. It was hard to leave that community of faith, but I knew there were other churches who were in the same position. I knew because I had served them, because I had preached in them, and because my friends were ministers in them.

So, I’m excited to be joining the Harrelson Agency team working on young minister consulting, bi-vocational pastor consulting, and church growth strategies. I am called to churches in conflict; churches who are hurting and who need a new vision. I also just happen to be one of those millennials as well. I can provide valuable insight into the thought process and spiritual practices of my age group. I can also help uncover the stereotypes around attracting millennials and why these are so dangerous to the future of the church.

In my ordination council, one of my ordination team members asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I answered without hesitation that I saw myself in parish ministry. This is work is critical for the health and future of ministers and churches.

I’m so excited to get started!