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Forgiveness and Sexual Harassment

The #metoo campaign has died down, but it has stayed with me. My stories, the stories I’ve read and the stories I’ve heard from people who weren’t ready to share their stories in a public forum all continue to whisper through my thoughts.

The ones that are the most difficult for me to hear are the stories that involve the victims of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and sexual assault being forced to sit in the same room as the person who abused them and forgive them in front of a third party. More often than not, these stories of forced forgiveness take place in the church with a spiritual leader, which couples the sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and sexual assault with spiritual abuse in a way that doubles the impact of the victim’s trauma.

This is difficult for me as an ordained minister. I believe strongly in reconciliation and forgiveness and am actively trying to teach our children that when you harm someone with your words or your actions it’s on you to make peace and to restore that relationship. I also strongly believe that a victim of sexual harassment, sexual assault, and sexual abuse should be given the choice to seek sanctuary away from the person who victimized them.

And maybe that’s why these stories of forced forgiveness burden me so much. The victim’s voice and choice┬áis again taken away in these instances creating not a restored relationship but another layer of abuse on top of what the victim has already experienced.

I do believe people can change. I believe that some of those who have participated in our culture (because it is ours, all of ours) of sexual harassment have participated because of learned, unexamined language patterns. I believe there’s hope for us to overcome this toxic culture we have created (because we all have created it together) not with forced forgiveness, but with time to heal and become whole again and that we can create a culture where all people are valued, not shamed and abused.

At least that’s what I am going to keep working towards.