Recently we were at a friend’s birthday party at one of those jump jump places. Our three-year-old loves them, but as a mom carrying an infant, they cause my anxiety to sit at the base of my throat. On average there are about fifty-seven times I convince myself that I have lost my child and I am a terrible mother only to discover a minute later that he is in one of the ball pits.
The funny thing about this experience is that the three-year-old never once finds himself lost. He is fully and wholly engaged in having fun flinging himself off of multi-level spaces and jumping on every single surface (something he tries to do every day at home). As I marvel at his tenacity and his sheer joy, I sometimes wonder if I have lost myself.
Being a member of the clergy means I hear more frequently and more quickly about deaths. I hold space for people to find sanctuary sharing their stories of abuse, neglect, and loneliness. I am the one people call when they are in a difficult time of waiting for medical diagnoses for themselves and for loved ones. This is such sacred work and I am honored to walk these journeys with people.
As I hear these stories, I think about how I found myself by voicing a call to pastor. I found myself in answering the call to deliver God’s word to God’s people. I think about my first call to pastor and how many people I asked me, “How do you like pastoring?” and I answered without hesitation, “I love it. I know this is what I was created to do.” I found in answering the call to be myself.
There are so many voices that can distract and take us away from ourselves. Voices of religious leaders telling us that we can’t be who we are created to be because our very beings create a theological crisis for their understanding of gender, sexuality, and marriage. Voices of family members passing on guilt and shame rather than love and encouragement. Voices of colleagues and classmates who saw something in us that they wanted and so tried to belittle and demean us. Voices swirling in our hearts and minds making it hard to find ourselves.
Perhaps the most powerful and reconciling work we can do is to find ourselves.
Because when we do, we will find the image of God residing there within, breathing in our lungs, offering us the miraculous power to become.